There Is No "Real" Dad
Why parenting doesn’t need a heteronormative script, and what it actually means to belong.
“So, who is the real dad?”
My husband and I have heard this question more times than I can count. Usually, it does not come from a place of malice. It is just people trying to apply a traditional template to an LGBTQ+ family. They are looking for the mom and dad roles and are trying to map out a script that makes sense to them based on the world they know.
The truth is that we both are.
Two-dad parenting isn’t about trying to replicate heteronormative roles. It is about two people showing up fully for their child. We don’t divide our parenting by gender expectations. Instead, we divide it by who is less tired, who is better at first-grade math, and who is currently winning the negotiation over bedtime.
When you strip away the labels and the societal expectations, you realize something liberating. The things that make parenting both incredibly rewarding and deeply challenging are exactly the same for my family as they are for yours. We are all dealing with school forms, missing shoes, and trying to get a healthy dinner on the table before bedtime meltdowns begin.
Parenting is just parenting. It is built on love, patience, and showing up every single day. It does not require a fixed formula, and it certainly does not require a mother and a father to be whole.
That realization is at the heart of what true belonging means. Belonging is not about being tolerated or even being invited to sit at someone else’s table. It is about knowing that your unique shape fits perfectly into the space just as you are, without having to shave off your edges to blend in.
When we create spaces where people do not have to fit into a rigid box, something powerful happens. Whether at home or out in the world, when people feel that genuine sense of belonging, they naturally bring their full lived experiences to the table. They stop spending energy trying to play a part, and they start spending it on truly connecting with the people around them.
The families that make up our communities are incredibly diverse. They are modern, unique, and blended. They look like my family, they look like your family, and they look like millions of variations in between. We build a better, safer world when we stop forcing people into templates and start celebrating those real, lived variations.
This Pride Month, let’s celebrate the families and individuals who are rewriting the script and expanding our definition of what a loving home looks like.
To my fellow LGBTQ+ parents, you are doing an incredible job. Your family is beautiful, valid, and exactly as it should be.
To anyone still on the journey of coming out, please take your time. Your identity is powerful, and you do not have to share it on anyone else’s timeline but your own. The world will be ready when you are.
And to our allies, thank you for helping us build spaces where everyone can drop the script and just be themselves.
Happy Pride! 🏳️🌈